The Princess Bride: Smashing Edition
by Eternal Smasher
Summary: Melee. What may be the greatest tale ever told has been retold with the characters you know and probably love.
1. Part 1: Chapter 1

_All right. Time to get serious. I plan on making this THE story that people who either know me or otherwise MUST read. I'm making an adaptation of a fake abridgment of one of the greatest tales ever told, and I better pull out all the stops to do it justice. But first…_

**The Princess Bride: Smashing Edition  
by  
Eternal Smasher (a remake of a fake abridgement; who knew?)**

Disclaimer: I do not own Super Smash Brothers, The Princess Bride, or any of their respective characters. Actually, I don't necessarily own anything in the story except the words. But that matters not. You have an enchanting tale to read. An enchanting, funny, semi-tragic tale. Oh, and on a side note, I'm mostly going by the book. If you only saw the movie, you may see something where it's like, "Hey, that part never happened! How dare you! (flame, flame, block)". The only things taken from the film are the scenes with the "grandfather" and the "little boy". Also, chances are there will be no abridgments. Makes sense, don't it? Now then, I know I'm talking a bit too much, so, without further ado…

Enjoy.

**………………………**

Part One: The Bride  
Chapter One: True Love and Bedside Stories

**………………………**

Ness was sick in bed. He had a bad case of the flu, and, on this day, he chose to lie in bed, watch TV, and not get anybody in the Mansion sick. His "plan" was to watch TV until he fell asleep from boredom, but television that day managed to be so utterly uninteresting that it actually kept him awake. It was that bad. Not even the godsend, the Science Channel, could keep him remotely interested (which was really his own fault, as he watched it at least 8.7 hours a day).  
Humpback whale behavior. Wow. That's new.

He chose a terrific day to be bored, because little did he know that a tale of epic proportions would keep him awake for a while.

Ness coughed repeatedly. It made the inside of his throat burn and his voice hoarse. In the midst of this brief episode, Mr. Game & Watch walked into the room. He and Ness weren't friends per se, but they both respected each other; Ness for Game & Watch's wisdom, and Game & Watch for Ness's knowledge. The sick young lad sat up a bit and watched him walk, frame-by-frame, with those peculiar sound effects that embodied his very soul (or what Ness believed his essence was), towards his bed. Of particular notice was the flat, monochrome book he held in his right hand.

"Hey, Mr. Game & Watch," Ness said, his voice reflecting his suffering.

"You feeling okay?" Mr. Game & Watch asked. He and Ness stared at each other for several seconds before a response surfaced. Then: "Never mind."

Ness was one of the few people in the entire mansion that could understand Mr. Game & Watch's unique, complex language (by few, I mean two; he and Mewtwo were the only ones capable of telepathic interpretation of the language). Conversely, Mr. Game & Watch could understand every language spoken in the Mansion. English, Italian, Hylian, Pokemon language, Japanese, Gorilla, even Yoshi. All were covered, yet no one knew that he knew. To add to Mr. Game & Watch's blessings, he could not get sick.  
At all.  
Someone with a cold could spit in his face and he could wipe it off with naught a worry.  
So it only made sense that someone with that kind of immunity should be the one to visit Ness in his time of sickness.

"What book is that?" Ness eagerly asked, grinning. He needed a good book right about now.

"Oh, this old thing?" Mr. Game & Watch manifested a flat chair out of thin air (yummy rhyme) and sat by Ness's bedside. "This book was one of my favorites as a kid. My father read it to me, and now I'm going to read it to you. I'm not your father, but still."

"I get it. What's the book about?" Ness turned off the TV and turned all the way around.

"This book has everything. Giants. Princesses. Scandals. Swords. Action. Adventure. Fantasy. Suspense. Tragedy."

"Love too, right?" Ness just knew that that had to be next.

"Ah, _true_ love. There's a big difference. So, are you interested? Or am I just wasting your time?" Mr. Game & Watch almost rose.

"No, please, read the story! I'm so bored it's not funny." Ness sat up and drank some of his water (warm but effective) while the narrator opened the book. "And to keep things interesting…replace all the characters with Smashers. Can you do it?"

"Of course I can. I have mad skillz. Now pay attention." Mr. Game & Watch cleared his throat and prepared to read. "Long, long ago, a girl named Samus was born…"

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Samus was different from most girls. All girls, for that matter. Every girl in Florin, every girl in the world, wanted to be beautiful. That's all that ultimately mattered.  
For the first 15 years of her life, Samus didn't care. (She had good reason not to. She had natural beauty; she didn't bother to do much washing, combing, and all that other nonsense.)

"Where's my suit?"

All she truly enjoyed doing in her young years were riding her horse and messing with the farm boy's head.

"Okay, really, where's my suit?"

Her horse's name was "Yoshi" (she had no idea where _that_ name came from), and it was like a large, green extension of herself. It came when she called, it steered where she wanted, it did what she said. The farm boy did what she told him also. He was actually now more of a young man (with noticeably long ears), but he was a boy when he was orphaned and came to work for her short, stubby father, and that just stuck with her. "Farm Boy, gimme that." "Clean that up, Farm Boy- and move your ass, or I'll get my suit, wherever I put it…"

"As you wish."

His eternal response, as seen above. "Get it, Farm Boy." "As you wish." "Get out of my bathroom!" "As you wish." "_No_, you eat with Yoshi tonight." "As you wish." He lived in a hovel out near the animals and, according to Samus' mom, kept it clean. He also had a lot of milk. No one questioned it. Not one person.

"I'll leave him an acre or two in our will," Samus' dad often proclaimed. Her dad was incredibly short, about 3-foot-3, and almost always smiling. He also loved to wear his blue parka (which he claimed was lighter than it looked).

"You'll spoil him," her mom always answered. She was pretty much the same as her husband, except with a "light" pink parka.

"We work him like a dog; he deserves a reward." Before another happy argument erupted, they shifted focus to their daughter.

"_Either_ one of you seen my Varia Suit? I don't remember losing that thing," Samus mused.

"Oh, you and your toys," replied Nana.

"Samus, you stink," said Popo, sipping…something.

"I was riding Yoshi all day, and he smelled the fruit cart again…" Samus explained.

"Oh. Well, clean yourself off. The boys don't like their girls to smell like sweaty fruit," Nana joined in.

"…And?"

Yeah, you could tell how much she _loved_ the opposite sex.  
But like it or not, things were beginning to happen.

Shortly after her sixteenth birthday, she noticed that it had been at least a month and three-quarters since another girl in the village spoke to her. They didn't talk to her much, but a month and three-quarters seemed a bit off. They at least somewhat acknowledged her when they saw her ride, but now, there was squat. A quick glance away, or a scowl, that was all. One morning she cornered her friend Jody at the blacksmith's and inquired about this. "You know damn well what you did" came from Jody. "No, really, what's going on?" "You…you stole them from us…" Jody rushed off after that, but Samus got all the information she needed. She knew who "them" was.

The boys.  
The village boys.  
Those…yeah.

She didn't enjoy this accusation. The boys sucked! Frankly, all they did was piss Samus off (and they knew well; they only spoke to her when she was without her suit). "Can I brush your horse, Samus?" "Yoshi doesn't need brushing." "How about I ride with you sometime, then?" "Go to hell." "You think you're too good for anybody, don't you?" "No, you just…get away from me."

Throughout Year 16, that kind of talk just got more and more unbearable for Samus. "Do you think it's gonna rain, Samus?" "There are no clouds. At all." "Well it could." "Whatever." "Uhm…uh…" Thud. "You okay?"

At night they would often meet in the dark beyond her window and make fun of her. She either ignored them or blasted into the abyss, hoping to hit one of those fools. If they got too rowdy and her suit was out of reach (or she was too lazy to put it on), the farm boy emerged, screaming like some deeply pained warrior, whacking them with Deku Sticks (some flaming). Samus always thanked him for that. You can just guess his answer.

When she was almost 17, a man in a carriage came to town and watched Samus ride for provisions. She paid him no mind, and she was not at fault. But this was the turning point. Many men had gone out of their way, some traveling for several miles (like this guy), just to see her. This man was the first noble to do so. This man mentioned Samus to the Count.

King Bowser and his second wife, Queen Jigglypuff, ruled Florin. However, the King was only just alive, could barely tell day from night, and was slowly losing his ability to speak actual words. He was very old (129 years), and as a result, most of his important decisions regarding Florin bothered many of the leading citizens.

Prince Ganondorf actually ran things. If there were a continent of some sort that included Florin, he'd be the most powerful man in it. Even as it was, people knew not to mess with the Prince. He'd end you without even blinking.

His only confidant was the one and only Count. His actual name was Marth, but as he was the one and only Count, that was just unnecessary. The title of Count had been bestowed to him by the Prince as birthday present, naturally at one of the Countess's parties.

To continue with the brief introductions, the Countess (whose name happened to be Princia) was a few years younger than her husband, and had abnormal magical abilities. All of her clothes came from Magica, and she had, what she called, "superb taste". Soon, her love for fabric and fashion caused her to permanently reside in Magica.

These two were Couple of the Week in Florin, and had been for a long time.

**xxx**

"Quick, quick, come here." Samus's short little dad stood in his farmhouse, on a stool, staring out the window.

"Why?" from the equally small mother. She wasn't very obedient when it came to her husband.

Popo pointed with his mallet. "Just look."

"Why don't _you_ just look?" Samus's parents, though happy individually, were just plain irritated together. They'd divorce if they knew they could find someone better. Popo shrugged and resumed staring. "Ooooh," he said after a few seconds. A few more seconds, an "Ahhhh" came about.  
Nana glanced briefly from her cooking.  
"Now that's special," Popo said. "Just spectacular."  
Nana hesitated, then put down her mallet, which she was using to make stew.  
"That kind of brilliance gives you goose bumps."  
"What exactly is it, dear?" Nana had to know now.  
"Why don't you just look?" Score.  
"Fine." Nana scoffed and quickly stomped over to the window. A moment later she was going "Ahhhh" along with him.

They just stood there, short and in shock. From setting the dinner table, Samus watched them and shook her head.

"They must be going to meet the Prince someplace," Nana said.  
Popo nodded. "Hunting. That's what he does."  
"I can't believe they actually passed by our house." Nana took her husband's mitten.  
Popo nodded again. "I can finally die."  
She glanced at him. "Don't." She smiled when she spoke, but Popo knew that she knew that he knew that she knew that he was really important to her, because when he did die 4 years later, she died exactly 1 minute after that, and most people that knew her said that Popo was pretty much all she lived for.

Samus came up behind them, staring over them (which was incredibly easy), and she remained there, because the Count & Countess and all their pages and soldiers and servants and courtiers and champions and carriages were passing by the cart track at the front of the farm.

The three stood silent as the procession moved forward. Popo had always dreamed of living like the Count. At one time, he was 2 miles away from where the Prince and the Count were hunting (people), and until this moment that had been the high point of his life. He sucked at farming, and wasn't much better at being a husband. In fact, he'd be hard pressed to name one thing he was actually _good_ at, and he could never comprehend how he managed to bring about Samus. He just saw it as a wonderful, wonderful mistake, one that didn't deserve investigation.

Nana had always dreamed of somehow being popular, even if for a moment, like the Countess supposedly was. She sucked at cooking, and sucked even more at housekeeping. How Samus came out of her was a complete mystery. But she was there when it happened, at least.

Samus though, still staring, still holding the dishes, still smelling like Yoshi, only wished that the procession was closer, so she could see if the Countess had as much taste as people claimed.  
On cue, the procession turned and began entering the farm.

"Are you serious?" Popo asked no one. "Oh, God."  
Nana targeted Popo. "You forgot to pay taxes again, didn't you?"  
"No! And if I did, all _that_-" He pointed towards the front of the farm, where the Count, Countess, and all accompaniments were getting closer. "-would be overkill. What do they want from us, of all people?"  
"Go find out," Nana told him.  
"Nah, you go."  
"Mm-mmm, you go."  
"…We'll both go."  
They both went. Trembling. When they reached the golden carriage…

"Cows. I want to talk about your cows." The Count spoke from inside, from the darkness.

"…My cows?" Popo said, worry being replaced by intrigue and confusion.

"Yes. I'm planning on starting my own dairy, and being that your cows are hailed as Florin's finest, I could utilize some of your secrets."

"…_My_ cows?" Popo repeated, making sure his ears weren't clogged and that he wasn't going insane. The fact of the matter was, his cows were, at best, pathetic. He'd been receiving complaints and/or death threats for years. If he had actual competition, he'd be out of business and/or dead in a snap. Well, things had improved much since the farm boy had come to work for him - he had some kind of special talent, and the complaints had all but ceased - but by no means were his cows the _best_. He knew better than to dispute this with the Count, however. Popo turned to his wife. "What would you say my secret is?"

"There's so many I couldn't choose," she answered. She was in the know when it came to their livestock.

"I assume you two have no children," the Count…assumed.

"We do," Nana affirmed.

"Then let me see her; perhaps she's of better use."

"Samus," Popo called. "Get out here."

"How'd you know we had a daughter?" Nana wondered.

"Eh. Lucky guess. Had to be one of them, right?" The Count chuckled. And soon kept quiet.  
Samus had come into view, hurrying from the house to her midget parents.  
The Count finally left the carriage. He gracefully moved to the ground and stood almost stiff. He was tall, slender, with blue hair and blue eyes and a blue and purple cape and blue gloves that showed his fingers and the rear of his hands.

"Curtsy, or something," Nana whispered.  
Samus very barely tried.  
And the Count couldn't look away.  
Keep in mind, her hair was uncombed, unclean; she was only seventeen years of age, so there was still a little bit of baby fat left. No primping, just potential.  
And the Count still couldn't look away.

"The Count here wants to know the secrets that make our cows so good. Is that correct, sir?" Popo said.

The Count nodded once, staring.

"Ask the farm boy. He takes care of them."

"Is that who you're talking about?" came a new voice from inside the carriage. The Countess's face was framed in the carriage doorway.

Her lips were a perfect pink; her brown eyes lined in blue. Her entire midsection was exposed, but what little she did wear was incredibly vibrant, containing nearly every color one could think of. It stung the eyes after a few seconds.

Popo glanced back toward the figure peeking around the corner of the house. "Yeah, that's him."

"Bring him here," the Countess commanded.

"I don't think he's dressed right…" Nana said.

"Oh, please. I'm not scared of a chest. Hey! You!" The Countess pointed at him, then to the ground near her.  
The farm boy came.  
When he was close, the Countess emerged from the carriage.

When he was a few feet behind Samus, he stopped, head bowed. He was ashamed of his attire, dirty brown boots and skin-tight gray pants, and his hands were so close together he looked like he was praying.

"What's your name?"  
"Link, Countess."  
"Really? Okay, Link, maybe you can help us. We're talking about cows. We're on the verge of a riot, we're so curious. We must know: why, Link, do you think that the cows of this very farm are the finest in all the land? What exactly do you do?"  
"Uh…feed them?"  
"There you have it, mystery solved. Link's feeding is where the magic lies. Could you show me how you do it, Link?"  
"You want me to feed the cows?"  
"Naturally."  
"Now?"  
"Of course." She held out her arm to his. "Lead on, Link."  
Link had no choice but to take her arm. He almost didn't want to. "It's behind the house, Miss; it's real muddy back there."  
"You're hot."  
"Huh?"  
"Oh, I never wear the same thing twice, Link. And I'm aching to see your methods."

Off they went to the cowshed.  
Throughout all this, the Count kept watching Samus.

"I'll help you," Samus called after Link.  
"Actually, you're not really…needed right now. Just him will do fine," the Count decided.

"Confused yet?" Nana asked her husband.  
"Beyond," Popo answered.

They were the rear of the brief cow-feeding trip, watching the Count, who was watching their daughter, who was watching the Countess.

Who was watching Link.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"That's the end of Chapter 1."

Mr. Game & Watch leaned back in his flat little chair and stretched a bit.

"It gets better than this, doesn't it?" Ness asked, facing the ceiling.  
"Don't like it so far? No need to worry. It really takes off in a few chapters. And then you won't get enough of this thing."  
"I hope so…we need more female Smashers."  
"You noticed that too, didn't you? I didn't want to, but…enough of that. On to Chapter 2."  
"Nice."

_Next time, Part 1 Chapter 2. Yay. I feel special. And yes, there will be more non-Smasher roles in the future._


	2. Part 1: Chapter 2

_Damn. I'm a lazy sumbitch, ain't I? Time to end Part One._

**………………………**

Part One: The Bride  
Chapter Two: Announcement and Denouncement

**………………………**

"Shall I continue?" Mr. Game & Watch waited for Ness, who was suffering from the flu, to respond. The previous reading kept him occupied, but he thought that that couldn't have been the best the story could be. He had to hear more. If it took all day, he had to hear more.

"Yeah, go ahead," Ness managed to say before a brief coughing spell.

"Okay then."

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"I'm really not seeing the specialty of what he did," Popo said. "He fed them. A 3-year-old could do that with the same skill." This was post-dinner. The family was alone once more.

"They must have taken a liking to him. Once, I had a bird, and it would only chirp when I fed it. Same deal," Nana deduced. She scraped the remainders of the stew into a bowl. "Speaking of feeding, Samus." She gave her daughter the bowl. Link was waiting in the back. Samus took him his meal.

"Well?" she said.  
Link accepted, nodded, headed for the stump to feast.  
"Get your ass back here." Link turned around, but didn't move. "I don't like how you're treating Yoshi. Actually, I don't like how you're _not_ treating him. Clean him. Tonight. Shine his shoes. Tonight. Tend to any eggs he lays and make sure his stable is polished and Shy Guy free. ASAP. I want him to shine, and if he doesn't by morning, that's your ass."  
"As you wish."

Samus slammed the door shut. He was left in the dark to eat.

"Yoshi's doing fine. He would've told you by now if something was wrong," Popo pointed out.  
Samus stayed silent.  
"You okay?" Nana asked.  
"I guess I'm just…out of it. After all that happened. I'm gonna sleep the excitement off." Samus headed upstairs slowly.  
"Good. Horrible things can happen when you're tired. Look who I married." Score thirty-four for Nana. Popo threw a pea at her.

Samus went to her room. She plopped onto her bed. She closed her eyes.  
The Countess was staring at Link.

Samus got up. She undressed. She washed a bit. She put on her nightgown. She slipped between the sheets, got settled in, and closed her eyes.  
The Countess was still staring at Link.

Samus kicked off her sheets and went downstairs. She poured herself a glass of water, quickly gulped it down. She poured another glass and rolled the coolness across her forehead. She still felt feverish.  
But why? She felt fine; granted, she'd been better, but still. She drank a mouthful, pouring out the rest in the sink. She marched back to her room, firmly shut her door, laid back down, closed her eyes.  
The Countess couldn't pull herself away from Link!

_What the hell? __Why_ would a woman as prominent, as perfect as Countess Princia be interested in…him? Samus groaned and stared intently at the ceiling. There was no sugar-coating that look - she was definitely interested. Samus tried to think. There had to be something. Something that caught her attention in a vice grip. _What was it?_  
Link had eyes like the sea, but what moron would care about eyes that much? He was also a golden blond, if that mattered. And his shoulders were kind of broad, but not much broader than the Count's. And of course he was muscular, but that came from the slaving. And his skin was tan enough, but, again, that came from all the slaving. And he was barely taller than the Count, though his stomach was flatter, thanks to youth.

Samus sat up. It had to have been his teeth. She had to admit, his teeth were exceptional, and they complimented his face very well.

What else could it have been? Samus thought some more. The girls in the village always followed him when he was making deliveries, but they were idiots. And they were always ignored, because once he opened his mouth, they'd find that that was all he had: great teeth. He wasn't very bright, after all. Those clothes…what kind of idiot would wear that?

It made little to no sense that a woman as beautiful and slender and willowy and graceful, a being as perfectly packaged, as supremely dressed as the Countess would be so into teeth. In any case, Samus finally had it all figured out, crystal clear. She closed her eyes, sunk into her bed a bit, got all nice and comfy, and prepared for a nice long _you know damn well that that bitch wasn't staring at his teeth._

Samus jumped out of bed and let loose a stream of angry swears in her head and paced her room. Who did she think she was, looking at him like that? If she was older and unmarried, it would've been much worse, but this was still very, very bad, only because their ages were so close together. The Countess. With her ridiculous hair and her unrealistic figure and those nauseating colors. She flung herself back onto her bed and lay there, angry. If only she had the suit…

The entire night was spent in anger. And mild suit-searching.

Pre-dawn. Samus was outside his hovel. She knew he was already awake; she heard him. She knocked, rather loudly. He opened the door and stood there. Behind him, she could see some lit candles, a few open books, and several open milk bottles. She didn't question the latter. She barely looked at him. He was the sun right now.  
Too hot.

"I'll try to make this…quick," she managed to say. "I love you. Don't think this is a joke, because it's not. I've loved you for a couple of hours now, and as time passes, it just gets more and more intense. The sentence I just ended? My love for you then compared to now is like comparing a brick to a country. Now it's like a country versus a planet. A planet against a galaxy. A galaxy against a universe. A universe against all of existence. And it just gets more significant with each passing second."  
The sun was rising behind Samus. It gave her drive. So much so that she looked directly at him, and continued:  
"It's gotten to the point where every thought is eclipsed by you. My entire being can't be without you now. I know that the Countess is formidable competition, and she has _everything_ on me, but there's one huge difference between me and her, Link."  
She loved saying his name. She looked into the sea that was his eyes.  
"I'm here."  
With that, Link slammed the door in her face.  
Not a word.  
Not a sound.  
Silence, then a slam.

Samus ran, recycling the angry stream of swears out loud, and with a touch of sadness added. She tripped over a small rock and almost fell. Any other day, she would've simply blasted it to ash, but she kept running. She ran all the way to her room and locked the door, where she could do her best to mend her broken heart.  
Not a word. He lacked the decency for even a _syllable._ "No" would've been cold, but it would've been something. "Too late" would've been devastating, but it would've been closure, and, again, _something._  
Why? She thought of a reason. An answer quickly arose. He didn't talk because him plus talking equals the end. What would he have said?  
"Huh!"  
That summed it up right there. Maybe even a "Hyaaaaaaah!" thrown in.  
Samus half-chortled. There's a reason for everything, and the most blatantly obvious ones are often the most overlooked. Don't stress yourself over it. It was just a brief little thing, not meant to go any further. Get on with the morning. She straightened her room up, made her bed, combed a tad, sighed, and smiled. Then she punched a groove in the wall behind her.  
There was a difference between blatantly obvious and just plain stupid.  
Link wasn't dumb. She could pretend all she wanted. Degrading him for his false faults was easy. The truth was that he was smart. And the reason he didn't say anything was because there was nothing to say.

The feeling wasn't mutual.

The rest of the day was spent in a deep chasm of anger and sadness. This anger was different; she wouldn't run up to some poor random soul and rip him/her/it a new one as she would that morning; it was dormant, yet present. The sadness had changed; she couldn't cry anymore, yet her eyes were moist, as if dammed. At 17, she'd made countless boys wither, but the one time it mattered...  
It was that evening, as the sun was calling it a day, that her door knocked. She straightened herself up. It knocked again. "What do you want? I mean, who is it?"  
"Link."  
Samus frowned. "Oh, now you decide that you have a voice, huh? You're lucky I don't kill you right now." She went to her door, unlocked it, and opened it with a jerk. She scoffed. "Well? I guess you're here to deliver the finishing blow. As long as it's confirmation, it's fine, but after you tell me, I suggest you run far away from me, because I'll be likely to-"

Link cut her off. "I'm leaving."

There was brief silence. Samus' left eye twitched. "What?"  
"I'm here to bid you farewell-"  
"Wait. This..." Samus let it sink in for a few seconds, got her act together, and continued: "Is this because of...?"  
Link nodded.  
Samus faked a chuckle. "Figures. I'm always frightening people in one way or another. Yeah, I get it. Whatever. Just keep this in mind: when that slut's had her way with you, expect no mercy from me. None, got it?"

Link blinked. (Admire the rhyme.) Samus tried to add on, but that ending was perfect for the time being. She waited for a response instead.

"I'm going to Mute City. To make that money. A ship leaves in a few from Vermilion. I'm going to make it. I've been training myself. I've learned not to need oxygen for extended amounts of time. I've fine-tuned my fighting abilities to the maximum. I barely need sleep anymore. I'll work 22 hours a day, saving everything I get from any jobs I get except for the occasional meal. With the money, I'll buy a new farm with a big house and-"  
"You actually think _she_ needs all that? Really?"  
"Do you mind leaving the Countess out of this? Jeez. She gets enough attention already."  
Samus stared.  
"Do you even know what's going on?"  
Samus slowly shook her head upon realization. Link smiled. "You're usually quicker than this."  
"...Are you saying you love me?"  
"That's a gross understatement. With an emphasis on 'gross'. If your love was a blade of grass, mine would be several universes of overgrown lawn. Corny, right?"

Samus was getting a bit excited, but only showed enough for Link to notice. "No, not at all..."  
There was a long period of affectionate staring. As time passed, the volume of passion in the room seemed to slowly intensify. Then Link spoke again:  
"I don't know if you noticed, but every time you requested something of me, every time I responded 'As you wish', you heard me wrong. I was actually saying-"  
"I know now, and I hear you loud and clear. I love you too, more than even I know, and will continue to for the rest of my life."

Link took a step back in slow-motion. "I have to go. I'll send for you."  
"I'll wait as long as it takes."  
Link still moved in slow-motion. "As much as I hate to leave you, the ship leaves soon, and it's a hell of a trip to get there."  
"I understand."  
Link held out his left hand. "Good-bye. For now."  
Samus tried to take a deep breath, but failed. She clasped his hand with her own. "Yes. Only for now."  
The hands separated in slow-motion. Link turned and walked about 5 steps.  
"Link."  
He stopped, didn't turn.  
"Get your sexy ass back here."

(insert hyper-intense, ultra-romantic kiss here)

**xxx**

The morning following Link's departure, Samus couldn't help but mope. She had just gotten with her one true love only yesterday, and...well, that was messed up. But after .6812094 seconds of that, she began to think about the fact that Link was nearing Vermilion City; what if some gorgeous girl decides she wants a piece of that while she was there waiting? Or even worse, what if he made it to Mute City and made that money and got the suburban farm with the big house and when she arrived he said, "Ew. What happened to you? You turned so hideous! I can't be seen around you anymore; the beauty ratio is completely thrown off. I'm marrying that guy."  
Samus went to her bathroom mirror and observed her state. "He's not gonna stand for this. And neither am I." She rushed downstairs to where her short parents were arguing (12 to 10.5 with Popo in the lead). "I'd like your advice, guys," she interrupted. "What would you say I could do to improve my appearance?"

A scroll smacked her in the nose.

"That's a start," Nana said.  
Samus stared at the two in resentful disappointment before heading back upstairs. It was time to do work.

Every morning she awoke to get all the chores taken care of. She had to, now that her beloved workhorse had departed. Yoshi helped when he could, as he hadn't been getting too much attention. All the work pushed Samus' self-improvement movement to the brink of the afternoon.  
It was then that she did _work_. She kicked it off with a nice bath. While her hair dried, she focused on fixing whatever she saw wrong with her figure (some sit-ups, a couple of push-ups, body fat adjustments here and there). Then brushing. Mucho brushing.  
Her hair was the color of sunflowers, and brushing it took a damn long time, but Link would be happy when he saw how neat and clean it was possible for it to be. Her skin was pleasant and tan, and every last centimeter of it was squeaky clean. Getting it that way wasn't much fun, but wouldn't Link be surprised when he had seen how clean she'd become.

This was the blossoming. The most beautiful woman in a few centuries was being born.

It took 2-and-a-half weeks for Link's first letter to arrive from Vermilion. It was almost 4 full pages long, and it helped Samus bloom. Like the most gorgeous flower, some people could only stare at it. The ones that could formulate greetings found that she had become much warmer and much more likable than ever. The boys ceased teasing. The girls could stand her now, and some even talked to her. Those who did usually asked about Link. The answer always involved the words "perfect", "adorable", "sweet", "milk", "fortune", and "forever", and all attempts not to talk too much failed. The village girls' concentration was heavily tested with her. It wasn't her fault. She loved him too damn much.

Alas, the reason his death struck her the way it did. Oh yeah.

How'd this happen? Link had written right before he set sail for Mute City. Then there was nothing, which was expected. Then there was the news, delivered by the short parents one day after milk delivery. They were...well, depressed. And short. Really short.  
"He had just 50 miles left," Popo whispered.  
"It was at night," Nana added.  
Samus raised an eyebrow.  
"Pirates," both minute parents said.  
Samus quickly sat. Brief silence. Then:  
"Prisoner?" Samus asked.  
They both shook their heads.  
"Kaptain K. Rool," Popo affirmed.  
"Oh." Samus slightly shuddered with the comment. "The one that leaves no...?"  
Brief silence. Then she went upstairs to her room.

For about 3 weeks, that room became her habitat. Her parents tried luring her out, to no avail. They resorted to leaving food outside her bedroom door. She took itty-bitty scraps; enough to live, basically. One would think that there wasn't a room behind that door, as it was as silent as darkness. No noise came out from it. No crying. No cursing.  
When she finally emerged, her eyes were round deserts. Her parents looked up from their dreary breakfast and stared at her. They began to rise before Samus stopped them.  
"Don't worry, I got it." She got some food as her parents watched.  
Even with the suit on, she was still as beautiful as she'd been. This new woman was different; with increased wisdom, decreased weight, and a world of sadness. This one had pain.  
This was the veiled flower, the most beautiful woman in several centuries, and it all mattered none."You okay?" asked Popo.  
Samus drank some orange juice. "I'm fine."  
"You sure?" asked Nana.  
"Positive." There was a half-minute worth of a pause. "But I'm _not_ falling in love again."

Her word was her bond.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"And thus ends Part One."

Mr. Game & Watch cleared his throat and awaited Ness' commentary on the developments of the story.  
"That didn't take too long."  
"What didn't?"  
"It got better. Really quick." Ness lightly coughed.  
"Eh? What'd I tell ya?  
"He's not dead."  
Mr. Game & Watch stared at Ness. He seemed to be highly anticipating a follow-up. Ness turned to the narrator.  
"There's no way the story can advance with the male lead out of the picture. There's just no way."  
Brief silence.  
"Well? Keep reading. When you know the hero prevails, the intriguing part is how."  
"You're absolutely right. Let's just get right into Part 2."  
Ness chuckled and half-coughed.  
"What's wrong?" asked the flat one.  
"Link was wrong..."  
Mr. Game & Watch chuckled in response, and turned the page.

_...Uh-huh. Vermilion City, Mute City, and Kaptain K. Rool. Don't look at me like that. Well, time to get to work on something else. Like...something else._


	3. Part 2: Chapter 1

_The first update of this story this year. Huzzah. _

**………………………**

Part Two: The Settlement  
Chapter One: The Courtship

**………………………**

Ness, a recent sufferer of influenza, was awaiting the continuation of the great tale being narrated by Mr. Game & Watch, the only fighter that could come in direct contact with him without getting sick. He foresaw a drastic, fantastic turn of events in the works, and wanted to see if he was right. And soon. But not too soon.

"I won't waste any time," Mr. Game & Watch said, turning the page frame-by-frame.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Prince Ganondorf was a dark, big, and scary individual. He appeared to be made of mostly muscle, and must have weighed an easy 300 pounds. He moved slowly, but not cautiously. It was more like he was stalking something at all times, with no fear of what could get him. As if something could get him. The way he moved seemed to be a reflection of what he liked to do best.  
Killing.  
A normal person would call it hunting, but he was Prince Ganondorf.

He made it a priority to kill at least one living thing a day. As long as it was alive, he didn't care what, or who (usually who) it was. As long as they made it fun. (Of course, the agonizing death screams always made things interesting at the very least.) He eventually grew so fond of killing that he didn't feel like traveling to do so.  
To make things easier for himself, he constructed the Menagerie of Doom. Custom-made by the Prince himself, the Menagerie had been stocked for him with a countless variety of animals and a small variety of humans. But the Menagerie was special for a number of reasons.

First, there were no visitors. There was only a mysterious, broken, psychic creature for maintenance. It was doubtful that people would want to visit even if they _did_ know where it was. With that said, the second reason was that it was a subterranean menagerie, located in the most remote, almost desolate corner of the kingdom.

The third reason was that it had categorized floors. Each floor grew increasingly dangerous as it went lower and lower. There were 6 floors total. The first contained creatures of speed: cheetahs, foxes, a couple of track runners. The second had creatures of strength: elephants, apes, wrestlers. The third had poisonous creatures: several kinds of snakes, toads, local prostitutes and junkies. The fourth contained the most fearsome, most dangerous of all creatures. Giant squids, huge Komodo Dragons, highly trained assassins to boot. The fifth harbored pure terror, creatures unmatched in their world-renowned (even galaxy-renowned) threat. Metroids, Chain Chomps, Bone Dragons, Tyranitars, and more. This was the only level that completely lacked humans.

The sixth was vacant.

It was made for the off-chance that the Prince would encounter a creature so deserving of being his biggest threat, matching or surpassing him in power, ferociousness, drive, and ingenuity.  
As if. But it didn't hurt to be prepared, just in case. So the sixth level was left empty, and his killing remained his loving hobby.

The news came one day as Prince Ganondorf was having his way with a couple of ninja. The battle had been going on for several hours, ever since lunch. They were sneaky and quick, and the fight was mostly in the dark, which was why the fight was taking so long. They attacked from the shadows, clinging to walls and launching kunai and shuriken at the Prince. He could hear them coming, so avoiding them was fairly easy. During that distraction, they would try to either trip the Prince (which wasn't really possible because his legs were remarkably strong) or grab him to try to stab in a vital point. He elbowed the ninja before they could make that attempt. But it was winding down now; they were running out of throwing weapons. They had no choice but to attack at once. Prince Ganondorf grabbed both ninja's feet before they could connect with his head. It was then that Count Marth came in to deliver the news.

"I have news," the Count said.  
"Give me a second," Ganondorf replied, getting ready to end it.  
THUD.  
With two mighty swings, the ninja's heads hit the floor. That was it for them. "There. What's the news?"  
"The King recently had his physical, as you are aware. The results are in. He's...dying."

Prince Ganondorf stepped out of the darkness and sniffed.

"Fine. Time to find me a bride. Right after a Metroid."  
"Um, Prince-"  
"Just one little Metroid, and I'll get right on it."  
"...Don't take too long."

_xxx_

The four met in the great council room of the castle. The big guy, Prince Ganondorf; his confidant, Count Marth; his dying dad, King Bowser; and his puffy stepmom, Queen Jigglypuff.  
Queen Jigglypuff was arguably the most beloved being in the kingdom, and had been married to the King for many, many years. In fact, it was her that kept from going down the path of evil. Mostly.

"Now then," the Prince began, "any ideas? Who's going to be my princess?"  
King Bowser said, "It's about time Ganondorf went and got himself a girl." King Bowser _actually_ said, "It's outime Ganonent self gir."  
Of all the people in the castle, the Queen had the best grasp of what her husband was trying to get out. It was like a puzzle she was really good at. "I think so too," she said. "It is about time."  
"Well, the Prince should get the best and only the best, and I can think of only one of that caliber," Count Marth said.  
"I figured so as well." The Prince groaned. "Princess Peach."  
"That makes so much sense." In Kingspeak: "Tha ake susense."  
"That _does_ make a lot of sense," Queen Jigglypuff translated.

Princess Peach hailed from Guilder, the kingdom right on the other side of the Florin Channel (it'd be vice versa if she hailed from Florin). The two kingdoms thrived on war, with each other. That's why it made so much sense.

"Hmm," the Prince wondered. "Wonder if she's any good at killing things? Don't much care how, as long as she can."  
"I visited her a few years ago," said the Queen. "She's the epitome of kindness, not so much strength. You never know, though."  
"How does she look? Like, skin."  
"Cream. Almost like porcelain."  
"How about her face?"  
"Proportionate. Large blue eyes. Pinkish lips, if I can recall."  
"And her figure?"  
"Hourglassish. Gorgeous gowns. In fact, that's how she's so well known, for having the largest gown collection to date."  
"We should have her over sometime soon. To observe."  
"This is definitely going to be awkward." In Kingspeak: "Thih efinly o awward."  
"Oh, I'm sure she's over _that_ by now," Queen Jigglypuff said. "In any case, I'll send out the invitation immediately."  
"You do that." Prince Ganondorf and all members of the table rose.

_xxx_

That evening, dinner was in the Great Hall of Bowser's castle. A dinner of this magnitude couldn't be held in the castle's dining room. For this occasion, tables were aligned end to end along the Hall's center, which, as usual, was incredibly drafty due to the large amount of doors and entranceways. So drafty, it got chilly. The winds got increasingly powerful. The candles needed constant re-lighting, which was nothing short of a nuisance. But Prince Ganondorf didn't mind much. That was that. That it remained.

At 8:25 an alliance between Florin and Guilder was all but guaranteed.

At that same time, a war between Florin and Guilder was nigh. How?

At 8:25:00, the main course was ready to be served. It was essence of brandied pig, and because of the hundreds of guests, there was quite a bounty of pig. To make things easy, a giant double door leading from the kitchen to the Great Hall was opened. This northern double door stayed open.

At 8:25:05, the double door that led to the wine cellar was opened. This was done so the many wine stewards could easily and quickly get the essential kegs to the eaters. These southern doors also remained open.

Now there was an abnormally strong cross wind in the Hall. Prince Ganondorf failed to notice, as he was whispering with Princess Peach about...stuff. He was cheek to cheek with her, where he could get a closer look at her large, orb-like earrings and her waist-length blonde hair.

8:25:10. King Bowser finally made his entrance. This lateness was not only common and expected, but mostly unacknowledged. He had no problem with meals starting in his absence. The King came in through the King's Door, a special, massive door that only he could use. This eastern door had to be operated by multiple servants in excellent condition. One could guess why the door was eastern.

8:25:15. The wind got to be too much.

Many candles died and toppled. A few toppled, still burning, into the small kerosene cups that were placed across the joint table so the pig could be flaming correctly when served. Servants started to rush in to try and put out the flames. Even the Princess' servants, the Toads, some of whom were overtaken by the gusts, tried their best to help. They did decently, considering all of the debris that was flying around. Anything that wasn't tied down had moved a great distance.

Unfortunately for Ganondorf, Princess Peach's hair wasn't tied down. He was just close enough to see. The Princess noticed, and held her hair down as quickly as she could. One would think she wore skirts on her head.

8:25:40. "I hoped you wouldn't see that. It's a defect..."

Unfortunately for Princess Peach, Prince Ganondorf saw it, and was angered and horrified by it. As he rose from the table, he could do nothing but stare at her in disbelief. After some of the horror dissipated, his anger took over, and permitted him to speak only 2 words.

8:25:50. "HELL. NO."

He stormed out of the Great Hall, eventually making his way to the balcony above it, staring down at the mess. There were still a good amount of flames, guests became like freed rats escaping into the world, and Princess Peach was wallowing in her shame and sorrow. Soon, Queen Jigglypuff puffed up to the Prince, who was gripping the balcony barricade and tapping the floor with the tip of his right foot. "That was far from necessary," she said.

"I think it winked at me" was the Prince's response.

"It's not that big a deal. You're the first one to find out in public. It's generally unnoticeable," Queen Jigglypuff explained.

Prince Ganondorf turned around, still visibly creeped out, at least a little. "She has a freakin' eye in the back of her head. Uh-uh. No. Not happening."

"Well, there goes the political advantage," the Queen said as Count Marth entered.

"Screw Guilder. Guilder can wait. I'll get it." Prince Ganondorf approached his stepmother. "I'm not marrying a freak of nature. I'm not taking _any_ chances with that. Try again."

"Guidelines."

"No extra appendages. I want her to look nice."

At this point, King Bowser was trying to make some questionable advances on Princess Peach. Toads had to try and hold him back. Luck be with them.

Count Marth stepped forward. "Okay, looks nice. What about status?"

"The commoner the better. I can see that now." Prince Ganondorf went back to the balcony and continued his gripping session.

"And the hunting thing?"

"If she lacks the skill to kill an ant, I don't care!" He faced the two. "Listen to me. I want beauty, damn it. Beauty. I want a woman that looks so good, her very existence comes into question. She should be so pretty, it humbles."

"Okay."

"I want-"

"Okay, Prince." Count Marth stopped him before he could continue. "I got you." He chuckled. "Oh, yeah. I got you."

**xxx**

It was dawn when the two horsemen reined in at the hilltop. Count Marth rode a graceful white. Prince Ganondorf rode a large, fierce black stallion. It almost looked evil.

"She delivers milk in the mornings," Count Marth said.  
"And you're undoubtedly, absolutely, positively confident that she is the beauty I spoke of?" Prince Ganondorf asked.  
"She could've used some work when I first saw her, but she had immeasurable potential."  
"A milkmaid, eh? I'm not too sure about this. I mean, I'm a Prince. People would think I went crazy if I went after a simple milkmaid."  
"Well..." the Count knew his Prince spoke the truth. "Would you rather just go back to the city?"  
"No, we've come this far already. We'll wait n-" His words were gone. After Samus rode by below: "I got it. It's courting time." He rode his stallion down the hill as if it were instinct.

Samus was taken aback by both the intensity of the horse and the overall appearance of its rider. Even Yoshi was a little intimidated.

"I am your Prince Ganondorf. You will wed me." the Prince said.  
"I am your servant and yeah, right," Samus said bitterly.  
"I am your Prince. You cannot refuse."  
"I am your servant. Watch me."  
"Refuse and die."  
"That sounds about right."  
"Hm. Would you truly choose death over your Prince? Why?"  
"Simple," Samus said. "Marriage means love. Love sucks ass. I'm done with it. Hence, our situation."  
Prince Ganondorf laughed. "I must clue you in on how things work. All kingdoms, including this one, require male heirs. Me. When my father perishes, there will be no heir, just a king. Me. I'll marry and - through trial-and-error, if you know what I mean - have a son. Hence, you can either wed me and become the richest and most powerful woman for miles and miles, or...die an excruciating death, soon. Do you have your mind made up now?"  
"No love. Deal?"  
"Not even the slightest hint of an ounce of it. Deal."  
"Okay. Let's get this done."

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"And that's the end of the beginning of Part 2."

Mr. Game & Watch didn't have to wait long for a response.  
"Okay. It's only a matter of time now," Ness said softly.  
"Until what?" Mr. Game & Watch didn't quite get it.  
"Until you-know-who comes back. The story's gonna get _really_ good now. I can't wait. Read more. I mean, please."  
"Say no more." Mr. Game & Watch took a quick sip of water, smacked his lips and said:  
"The story continues..."

_I thought this was gonna be short. Well, compared to the first 2 chapters, it is, but I doubted it would reach 2400 words. In any case...uh...what else...yeah. If you read the book and know the _real_ reason the Prince was put off by the Princess, it was finding a good alternate that kept me on the brink of completion. I chose that because...heh, it's weird. Inheritance, possibly? It'd put me off, that's for sure._

_Stay tuned. (I just hope this doesn't take another 8 months.)_


End file.
